The misconception of "Being Consistent". What does Consistency truly mean?

"They have not been consistent"

I've heard this far too many times, mostly being tied to expectations in romance. Mostly when one person complains that their partner is not being consistent in the change of unwanted behaviour, not consistently thoughtful and not consistently kind.

The understanding of consistency seems to be a little skewed to begin with, as "Consistency" is not about “trying” to regularly fit in someone else’s expectations. Consistency means we are being ourselves from the start in order to avoid disillusionment and disappointment once our real nature comes out.

Often, when we hear “he/she” isn’t consistent, we really mean that “he/she” isn’t consistently interacting with us in the way we desire and to be happy within the connection.

A person acting in a way that's far from the way we desire but does it constantly in line with their values can also be Consistent, but with their nature.

They may be consistent in expressing their true nature and constantly respecting their values.

If someone "consistently" acts the way we expect them to instead of the way they want, that is a weak foundation for any relationship and will ultimately lead to trouble.

A person who acts against their nature to please their loved ones is not only inconsistent with their nature but also becomes insincere, with both themselves and others, and one can't keep a facade on for too long before it again crumbles, leading to disappointment.

The key to consistency isn't in repetition.

Real consistency involves staying true to oneself and expressing one's genuine nature rather than conforming to external expectations. Being true to oneself forms a good foundation for authentic connections based on original qualities, rather than those gained. And that leads to the feeling of freedom to be the self and to receive an unconditional acceptance for who we actually are, rather than for who we are able to act like.

Facing expectations and staying true to oneself can be very challenging, especially as the consequences may feel like a big loss in the beginning. Therefore, finding a balance between expectations and personal authenticity is a tough and ongoing process that allows you to shape a person's real identity aligned with their true nature.

This process of self-discovery can be a difficult and lonely, and transformative journey, especially for those who are used to conforming, but self-discovery is a long and often painful process of peeling back layers, questioning norms, and embracing one's authentic self.

The difficulties.

The journey of consistency in the process can bring relationship shifts, and some of our connections may get lost in the process. It's important to acknowledge that the experience of personal growth may lead to temporary loneliness as we realign with our authentic selves and make room for people who are more aligned with our real, authentic selves. This may be the sacrifice that is very hard to accept; however, in time, new connections that resonate with the actual identity will form, resulting in authentic, more meaningful and fulfilling relationships.

Remember that embracing change and staying true to our evolving selves is the most courageous and rewarding endeavour.

Inspiration for growth is only possible while we're in alignment.

Aligning with one's authentic self provides a mapped path for life's journey, and straying from that path can lead to confusion and a sense of aimlessness. Embracing authenticity provides a clearer sense of direction and builds op resilience, as every decision and action is rooted in personal values and genuine desires rather than what's expected of us from others. It's a strong foundation for building a fulfilling and purpose-driven life.

Boundaries are a necessary component of authenticity.

That bit of work is oftentimes the toughest! Especially if you are used to not having any.

Establishing healthy boundaries involves communication and acknowledging and asserting your needs, as well as respecting the needs of others. Not everyone you meet will like you for that, be mindful of it, but clearly express your boundaries empathetically, rather than criticising others. Encourage open conversations where possible, be curious and allow space for understanding. Remember that healthy boundaries are about mutual respect, and not so much about building defensive walls to shut people off.

Patience, self-compassion, and the smallest steps can make this process possible, and surrounding oneself with supportive people who appreciate personal growth can ease the difficulty of reshaping boundaries during your personal rediscovery journey, leading to becoming more aligned and consistent with oneself.

Consistency goes beyond repetition of the same patterns and following what others say or want; it is quite the opposite and involves becoming aligned with our true nature. It involves self-reflection, patience, and a genuine pursuit of authenticity, creating a strong foundation for personal growth. Unfortunately, these days, "being inconsistent" is a phrase used as a weapon in arguments by people who create expectations of others to be "happy" within the relationship. But that's a topic for another post on how our happiness can't ever be made through another person. For now, let's just leave it at:

 In order to be happy and feel free, we have to move away from expectations and break free from moulding ourselves into anything else than what feels natural and easy.

I hope you are keeping well.

Tranquil Mind Therapy 🤍

Dagmara Haberla