Unrequited Love

Have you ever found yourself ruminating about someone who seemed so special that you couldn't think of anything else, couldn't focus on your daily routine, sleep or eat, while they barely cared to keep in touch?

Well, I have news for you. This isn't Love at all, and it could not be any further from it

This person, who doesn't come forward consistently and shows little care, they aren't special, it's just that your inner child grasps the representation of your past hurt and wants to do a miraculous job, believing that by changing this person's behaviour, they will feel worthy and loved again. If you take a closer look at your internal system, and what it does to you by hanging on, you'll discover that unrequited love is the opositte of love. It makes people abandon themselfs as if they were to belief being worthy of unreciprocated affection only. Which leads us to look into disruption of primary attachments.

Abandonment.

All children naturally get attached to their parents; they have an inherent need for love and acceptance within their family dynamics. Some children are blessed to experience that, and then there are these other children who grow up feeling neglected and rejected.

Children carry that through life, and although we grow to cope with our reality as adults, these past wounds speak through us in the form of triggers and unhealthy attractions, which may inspire healing or deepen the feeling and the belief of being unworthy. Usually, the latter repeats itself until the pattern becomes too much to handle, and hurt becomes greater than fear of facing the issue, facing our demons, and discomforts and putting in the work, leading to reflecting on self rather than the external world and taking the ownership of our misfortune.

The impact of neglect.

When the child is neglected, he or she will form a belief while getting deeply wounded that he or she isn't worthy of love, and since this belief is formed by a child, it has little to do with rational thinking, which leads to grown-ups frequently living in a split between fantasy and truth.

The adult self knows what's right, but the inner child, or subconscious mind, whatever you call it, keeps on getting involved in the same patterns and engaging in similar relationships in the hope of undoing what happened to them and liberating themselves from that which they experienced in the past.

That's how we repeat the past in the present, as our wounds, while ignored, still seek healing and keep coming to the surface.

Unrequited love is no more and no less than the rumination of the inner child, and to break free from repeating the same patterns, we have to face the fact that it is actually the lack of love and the longing for love. It is pain, so often misunderstood as love due to the blueprint left by our parents.

How's that done?

It can happen only when we choose to re-parent the inner-child ourselves, by choosing to meet our own needs and letting go of people who don't reflect our values. By facing the pain of reality and accepting that people are as they are, and by dropping the will to change.

By letting go of everything and everyone who doesn't choose us, we build self-respect, by practising self-respect we gain the trust of our inner children who can trust that we have their best interests at heart.

What Love actually is? - Love happens when there's peace, where we don't question where we stand with the other. It shows through consistency and connection.

The romantic idea of unrequited love stems from hurt. How can you love if it's with pain?

The confusion is perfectly justified for those who experienced pain in the presence of people who also kept telling them that they loved them.

We learn words in early childhood and make sense of them through our own feelings.

If someone tells you they love you every day, let’s say it’s your parent, but then abandons you physically or emotionally when you’re in distress, you will naturally associate love with the feeling of being abandoned, incomplete, and unseen.

Subconsciously, you will create your own meaning of the word love based on what it has represented to you. You will only know love as what you learned it to be, and for you, love will become equal to abandonment, which is what you will keep seeking in another.

That brings a meaning to "Looking for love in wrong places" and if a real love was in front of you, you would not see it.

Trying to make an unloved child being loved and accepted it's like trying to explain colours to a blind man.

So what’s love supposed to feel like?

It feels like peace…

I like beautifully described in the Bible, (although I'm far from being Christian)

“Love is gentle, love is kind

It does not envy

It does not Boast

It is not proud

It does not dishonour others

It is not self-seeking

It is not easily angered

It keeps no record of wrongs (…)”

/Corinthians 13:4-8/

The problem with this love is that unless we heal the parts of ourselves that have not experienced it, we may struggle to recognize it.

Whenever you meet someone capable of real unconditional love, you may feel that there is nothing to fix; it can seem too easy or too boring. Then you start questioning it, sabotaging it, and looking for all the familiar hurt all over again in someone else, instead of leaning into healthy relating.

If your inner child still seeks “repair,” it will force you to move on to the next person, who will display the same hurt.

Don't seek Love, seek healing and love will not only find you, but once you see it, you'll recognise it for what it really is.

With Care 🤍