The Mystery of Self-Love.

Self-Love explained to a person who has never been properly loved is like explaining colours to someone who's blind since they were born.

Here comes the cliché of - "You just have to love yourself first," which sounds like some mystery to those who are clueless about how that might feel, as they have forever been trained that love is either conditional or they aren't deserving of it.

What's Love to someone who wasn't properly Loved?

Well, what love is and what it feels like will differ from person to person, but in general, love nurtures the individuality of the other while in a partnership. Love is the freedom to express ourselves, and to love is to care for each other.

Promoted now widely by influencers on social media, self-love seems to be the answer to all of the issues of today's society, and in some sense, this is true, but how to be loving to oneself isn't actually clear to everyone.

I like to watch how we want to simplify this concept and share our discoveries with others so they can heal. Still, this simplification gets to the point of becoming understood at times as something other than initially intended, often leading towards arrogance, masked as self-respect.

Let's look at the understanding of Love.

How we understand Love will differ from one person to another, as well as how we think love should feel.

Say a child grows up in a household where there is no physical touch, no words of affirmation, no freedom but expectations. This very child will never feel what love feels like.

Say there was a physical touch and words of affirmation but boundaries were broken in the relationship with parents, so the child grew up believing that to be loved they need to "fix" or "better" their behaviours.

These children as adults, not only will repeat their parent's patterns but will subconsciously seek similar partners and end up rather unhappy. After years of experiencing an upbringing that lacked freedom and multiple failed attempts at building relationships, we say to this grown-up child "Love yourself first" -what do we think is going to happen?

The person will seek what they recognise as love and if they don't know what love is, they will substitute it with behaviours stimulating dopamine and making them "feel good" which will work at least for some time.

Unfortunately, dopamine wears off quickly, it isn't sustainable and can be quite addictive.

So now we have a grown-up "John" or a grown-up "Jane" living their life indulging in dopamine-stimulating activities which will never get them closer to love, but give temporary illusions of happiness, entangled with moments of sad as the High from dopamine wears off, which leaves them again with the bitter taste of "something is wrong, why can't I be balanced" and in the long run can confirm to them their internal belief of being unworthy, which essentially takes them even further from the desired feeling of "Self-Love".

I come across all sorts of Johns and Janes until nowm and with utmost compassion I welcomed them in my practice.

Some of them get involved in unhealthy relationships, some are hooked to parties, sex, and alcohol, and some just indulge in extreme sports to feel alive. Most overstay unfulfilling relationships (not just romantic) which in a sense reaffirms that they need to work harder to feel loved or work for their partner to change.

"How do I learn to love myself?" - is the most common question asked by people who want to break free from the patterns that hurt them.

Well, you don't just start right from the get-go loving yourself, same as you won't just fall for another.

It needs time and nurture, and in a way, you need to court yourself too.

This may sound silly at first but bear with it and see as you read through the short manual to self-love.

Real Love means trust and respect for individuality - so going by this logic, if you want to love yourself you need to make choices which will ignite self-trust and a feeling of freedom to be yourself.

1. Choose yourself respectfully over others and sit with the comfort or discomfort of the choice. Sit with Both.

   If you were never given the power to decide for yourself as a kid, it may feel horrible at first to do so and to go against the instinct of assessing what is expected of us. However, over time the feeling of relief when you decide in tune with your inner feelings will be more valuable to you than the acceptance of anyone else. So don't go to that party, wear that odd dress, speak up your mind and learn to be seen for who you are.

   
   

2. Don't suppress your uniqueness to be liked or accepted. 

   Individuality is what makes us unique, make your quirks visible and if you fear losing people over that I'll make it easy for you. They are not your people!

   Your crowd will only find you once you reveal yourself, and as unique as you may be, there will always be someone there to enjoy your uniqueness. If someone belittles you for being you, well... do you really want to hang out with such people in the first place? Choosing our comfort over the need for acceptance is an act of self-love and the act of self-trust.

   
   

3. Brace for the unknown, and grow in courage.

   A big part of the Self-Love journey is the radical change of direction. Be prepared that you may lose a lot of that which feels familiar to you, and you will need to expose yourself to new connections which at first may seem boring, but over time will feel like peace. It can feel lonely at first and a little foreign but will also feel free. Active choice of "boredom" will eventually make you less tolerant to drama which is one of the first steps you'd take in choosing comfort and gaining Self-Respect, which is a necessary component of Self-Love.

   
   

4. Understand this as a long process, get involved in interests and hobbies and get to know the real you.

   Try Everything you've always wanted to try, see if you want to continue or drop it as you wish. Honour all of your old interests that you were afraid to try, and if you suck at them, that's ok too... No one can pressure you to continue, dropping hobbies you don't like is also an act of Self-Love not an act of failure.

   
   
   
   

I could probably go on with all of the Do's and all of the Don't's, but these are the main points of the journey.

To add to that, if you feel like choosing yourself is too hard, or your environment isn't allowing you to do that, seek professional help.

The Catch-22 and the dating pool of Self-Loving people

If you find love you will not recognise it, you will question it due to missing components such as stress or expectations which are the opposite of love.

To understand what unconditional Love is, we need to stop stressing and expecting anything of ourselves and others.

Unfortunately, most of us love with conditions (I hate breaking it to you, but that's not love). So, in the pursuit of self-love, we need to learn to have a lower tolerance for other people's expectations, which ironically decreases the chances of meeting "a partner" but increases the chances of having a successful romantic relationship once we find the "compatible one".

I've seen some amazing changes in a therapeutic environment, including my personal experience of shedding the old self and becoming free and Self-Loving. This process involves so much more a few weeks of taking yourself on dates and buying yourself flowers. It's talso he honouring and respecting of every part of yourself including the ones we don't like, including "the ugly".

Coming out on the other side of this experience, however, makes all of the difficult steps worth it.

Compared to dopamine stimulation, this journey will not give you a quick fix, but it can result in more balance, less risky behaviours, reduced impulsivity and so on.

It'll give you a sense of direction in life and will help you to feel wholesome and embodied.

With Love