My First Childhood Memory

Although I barely remember my childhood, I have a vivid memory of my mother slapping me across my face when I was 5 for taking a chewing gum that was meant for my friend. I don't have many memories from my childhood, but these few seconds seem to be very impactful.

I was confused, hurt and heartbroken. That day, I created two of my core beliefs that I think dictated my life path for a very long time.

1. She must not love me, and I can't trust people who say they do, since love and violence seem to be inseparable.

2. I need to be extra good and extra cautious, obey all rules… Otherwise, I'm not a good human being.

I grew up in the countryside, and my mum seemed to be very overbearing; that's something I wasn't aware of at the time. I just knew that I was suffocating at home, and she unknowingly made me believe that I was the problem.

I used to get in trouble for all sorts of stuff, as little as being a few minutes late for home.

I know that all of that came from a good place of love and care; she had no skills and did the best she could.

She had her problems she had to deal with, and I know her heart was in the right place.

We did connect later in life and had a caring and loving relationship; however, for the purpose of this blog, I want to tell the full story from the perspective of a child who felt cold, hungry, hurt, scared and lonely.

So that's my first childhood memory.

I think that my need to understand what love was and what love wasn't started very early, and somewhere around that time. I was 5 when I already felt a deep longing for connection and an equally strong need to run away from it.

I don't remember much of my childhood, as I mentioned before. In terms of visuals, nearly nothing, but I remember well that I was a sad child who felt like an outcast.

We were very poor, and the only moments of joy I had were found in the moments where I drifted away to my fantasy world.

Coming from that to where I am now was a long journey, and I'd like to share not so much my story, but what worked for me during this journey of spiritual growth, and led me to being able to live happily, fulfilled and embodied.

With Love,

Dagmara Haberla