Who I was and who am I becoming.

We often forget how far we've come in life, and we keep chasing the new and the better, while failing to recognise the tremendous effort we've already put into our existence.

We come to this world with nothing but the ability to become remarkable! 

For some, it means breaking free from the experiences and not allowing them to label and shape them. Not repeating their parents' mistakes, and walking away from everything dysfunctional to live a life full of healing, joy and happiness.

I was born on May 10, 1986, in a small countryside village in Poland. I have zero recollection of that ;)

From what I remember, my mum didn't have a lot of support as a young adult, and she barely finished high school. She worked her entire life as a factory worker and a cleaner, believing that this was the best life she could achieve. My biological father already had a family when he and my mum met, and as she said to me one day;

"I never wanted to be in a relationship, but I wanted to have a child..."

She picked a married man to give her a baby, this situation was doomed to hurt so many people on the way, and my very beginning of existence came from hurt, marking me as so so-called "bastard" before I even got to take my first breath on this planet. And I am far from being dramatic, but this "pet name" stuck with me in my family home and amongst peers for a very long time.

My mum got lonely, I guess, after being a single mum for some time. When I was nearly 2 years old, she met a man on the train, who quickly became my stepfather, a stepfather who drank a lot and, from what I can gather, behaved a good bit like a psychopath…

From my mum's story, I remember that he was tipsy when they first met and as he started chatting her up, "So cute", she thought, as for her, the use of alcohol wasn't unusual, although she had barely ever had a drink herself.

Her dad and my grandfather also used to drink, so I guess my mum never questioned the drinking habits. It must have been familiar, probably giving her the impression that "it feels like home", which is a hallmark of trauma bond as we know now.

By the age of 6, I had no memories that my stepfather showed up in our lives later on, and I used to believe he was my "dad" until one day, when I sat with my childhood friend Eve at the kitchen table, she asked why my surname was different from his. My mum casually responded:

"He's not her biological father" 

The relief and the excitement...!

That's all I felt at this moment. After that revelation, I asked a few questions about my "real" dad, and my mum just told me that he didn't want me, didn't love me, and that he showed up a few times in the beginning when I was born, but lost his interest completely, probably because he already had children before me.

She meant to protect me, unknowingly contributing to more harm, but none of this was her fault. It was society's stigmatisation fault, lack of education, lack of access to resources, and a bit of bad luck in terms of where she was born.

She was a good woman otherwise, always trying her best with what she had available.

She inspired me to never get stuck in life or situations, and not to limit my dreams. The way she spoke about her own experiences and perceived mistakes made me reflect very early on how I can prevent following in her steps and implement her learning into my life without having to repeat her mistakes.

She ALWAYS emphasised not to depend on a man, so I can walk away when things get rough.

Now these learnings didn't necessarily work right from the get-go, and I did rebel in my teens badly, against EVERYTHING! I made a ton of different mistakes, but in the end, due to resilience and constant hunger for knowledge, today I am here, reflecting on how to Learn to Love, learning what Love is not, and why self-love it's the first and essential component to happy living. I am reflecting why, on this quest of finding it in The Other, we fail, only to find out that it's been with us all along...

I hope you'll find in this read something for yourself, whether it's in the reflections or my personal stories. If you do, please share your impressions in the comments.

With Love