Irony of “Clarity” in communication.

Your reality is not the same as my reality, and your attempt to explain may not make me understand.

I used to think that having clarity and compromising were the two ingredients necessary to make any relationship work. Well, they didn't, and at times in my past relationships, my attempts at communicating my feelings and negotiation left me feeling even more misunderstood than before I tried to speak up.

After years of “Try and Error” in wanting to be understood, I realised that:

1. “Clarity” is also subjective and, ironically, may lead to misunderstanding and frustration.

2. No “need” can be conveyed well enough to inspire change unless that need for change already exists in the other.

I often say that two people may speak the same language, but mean totally different things

Let's presume that in my romantic relationship, I am convinced that my words and actions show my partner how I feel. I've done my best to communicate that I deeply care for them; nonetheless, my partner has a different perspective, and it's clear to them that my actions and beliefs are not loving. Let's say they insist I should act differently, as they may not feel loved through my words and actions. They keep trying to talk me into their "style" of behaviour and/or communication, so now I feel misunderstood entirely, and my partner, who has my best interest at heart, somehow managed to act in contradiction to what I expected.

Example 1:

Your partner shows love by making sure that you don't fall behind with work, as he knows that deadlines are stressing you out; therefore, he constantly reminds you about your pending tasks. To you, this may feel like criticism, and instead of being grateful for his love and care, you get in your head thinking that "he must think I'm incompetent. Why else would he keep asking and trying to help?"

Reason:

Your partner's family has always been supportive, but yours was critical. Therefore, the same action has between the two of you completely different meanings, and you translate the action into your own "mother tongue". And from there, as you can see, all good deeds fall into the pit of bad outcomes. Simply because your partner's way of showing love is a way in which you were shown inadequacy.

Example 2:

You are complaining about work for a couple of months, and all you hear from your partner is "Will you just quit?". But in the moment, you are unable to do so as you need a full year of experience at minimum on your resume to move on to a better salary, and you are willing to make that sacrifice.

You are, however, struggling and looking for comfort, so you keep turning to your partner, hoping for emotional support. Your partner is a "fixer" and decides to immediately give you advice on what you are supposed to do, as in his mind, problems need solutions. Your partner doesn't know you need comfort, as he's used to finding solutions, and you never communicated "I want you to comfort me".

You get upset while thinking, "he doesn't care about my feelings," and his attempt to help with advice is dismissed. Both of you get hurt. You are looking for comfort, and your partner's advice is seen as discomfort with your vulnerability. You don't feel seen and therefore accepted. Your partner feels confused. After all, you came to him with a problem and he worked hard on trying to help, yet you are upset.

Reason:

His caretakers used to avoid negative emotions and kept offering quick solutions; therefore, he repeats the same. Maybe you don't have the capacity to communicate clearly what you want or need. Your vulnerable self was rarely accepted in childhood, so you withdrew, feeling rejected, creating even more distance.

There are many ways in which we misscommunicate or fail to communicate at all. Some are caused by misunderstandings, some by fear, or strong convictions formed in the past. And sooooo many by our triggers.

In romance, to connect, we need to learn our partners' "language", and that takes time and a long commitment. We need to learn how to meet the other person's needs in the way that feels right for them, not for us, and vice versa. What we prefer to give has no value, and by insisting on showing love and care in our preferred way, we make the wish for a harmonious and fulfilling relationship unattainable.

That type of ego dynamic is typically the root cause of most issues when we form relationships with others.

What's the Point of buying her flowers if she is allergic to pollen?

I once knew a couple who fought endlessly about their so-called "love language". She wanted to spend time with him, and he kept buying her gifts. Both insisted that "the other" didn't care about the relationship, and to be very honest, both of them were right. After years of fighting, complaining and trying to force the other to change, they parted painfully and with hate.

Real work begins after we ditch our ego and approach our partners with curiosity. Not superficially... but with depth. Every couple will face moments in conflict that are the openings for learning; however, most couples get stuck on their own beliefs instead of taking the time and learn where their perception of the other may be skewed.

It's hard, hard work, but you'd either do it, or forever live in your bubble, feeling badly misunderstood and misunderstanding others.

Language goes far beyond words.

Since early on, we learn to speak not just through the use of words. We learn to speak with our bodies, and we give meaning to actions through the lens of our experiences. Our upbringing shapes our styles of communication and the language in which we show love.

For some, Love means control; for some, Love is submission. For some, Love means freedom. Some may see friendship as hard work, some barely make time for it. One "good parent" may be overprotective, and another gives their child complete freedom.

When our loved ones are asking for support, the most caring answer is "how can I show you support in a way which works for you?", and follow up with a request such as - "teach me".

If we feel rejected, instead of withdrawing and creating more distance, it's better if we ask for clarification. It's difficult to let others know we feel rejected, but you may find out that the other person just thought you needed space.

Well, and maybe just keep in mind in the middle of this, that as an old saying goes, "It takes two to Tango..." so you don't need to keep trying to learn another person's language for too long, if they don't reciprocate.

With Love 🤍

Dagmara Haberla